Doctors are at a loss to explain the explosion of a young healthy males heart in Glasgow this morning. Johnny McSmith was a fit and active twenty one year old, who enjoyed frequent visits to the gym and five a sides football. McSmith, had recently finished his third year studying politics at Glasgow University and was expected to graduate with a creditable degree in a years time.
A friend of the family said: “This really is a tragedy, for a fit young boy to have his heart just explode in his chest. He was not even a fat bastard or anything, never drank Irn Bru or eat pies or anything, just so very sad.”
McSmith was found slumped over his desk looking at this website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/7482811.stm
Tuesday 1 July 2008
Wednesday 25 June 2008
Shock secret behind Edinburgh's trams revealed
Edinburgh Council official admits admits: “Trams are an elaborate plan to send the Poles home.”
A shocking leaked memo from Edinburgh City Council has apparently revealed the secret agenda behind Edinburgh’s expensive trams development. It seems that the infrastructure development project is simply a tactic to try and fuck up Edinburgh so royally that recent economic migrants will be compelled to go home. Detailed documents reveal that Leith Walk has been deliberately targeted due to its high number of Polish deli’s.
“We are fairly surprised that no one has seen through our ruse, I mean 500 million quid for a one line tram system, who the fuck would actually authorise that? So it goes to the airport, its actually quite a shitty little airport and plenty of buses go there anyway. Ultimately trams are just buses without wheels and they won’t even have any top decks for the good views.
“Thus far we think we have done very a good job of fucking Edinburgh right up. Car journey’s have been dramatically slowed down and it is impossible to plan alternative routes as we craftily change the roadworks from day to day. Drivers look like they want to fucking puke on a daily basis.
“Leith Walk in particular looks god damn awful. I mean I have never been to Warsaw but it cannot be any worse than this. Why would anyone actually want to live here by choice. We think our xenophobic plan of destruction will soon bear fruit and the Polskas and Slovaks will soon bugger off home. Soon the service sector will be rightfully filled by grumpy, ill motivated locals or no one at all!”
A shocking leaked memo from Edinburgh City Council has apparently revealed the secret agenda behind Edinburgh’s expensive trams development. It seems that the infrastructure development project is simply a tactic to try and fuck up Edinburgh so royally that recent economic migrants will be compelled to go home. Detailed documents reveal that Leith Walk has been deliberately targeted due to its high number of Polish deli’s.
“We are fairly surprised that no one has seen through our ruse, I mean 500 million quid for a one line tram system, who the fuck would actually authorise that? So it goes to the airport, its actually quite a shitty little airport and plenty of buses go there anyway. Ultimately trams are just buses without wheels and they won’t even have any top decks for the good views.
“Thus far we think we have done very a good job of fucking Edinburgh right up. Car journey’s have been dramatically slowed down and it is impossible to plan alternative routes as we craftily change the roadworks from day to day. Drivers look like they want to fucking puke on a daily basis.
“Leith Walk in particular looks god damn awful. I mean I have never been to Warsaw but it cannot be any worse than this. Why would anyone actually want to live here by choice. We think our xenophobic plan of destruction will soon bear fruit and the Polskas and Slovaks will soon bugger off home. Soon the service sector will be rightfully filled by grumpy, ill motivated locals or no one at all!”
Tuesday 24 June 2008
Thabo Mbeki suffers problems with household appliances
Thabo Mbeki has revealed significant difficulties with a range of appliances around his household. It seems that the Mbeki residence does not have a working kettle or iron and a number of light bulbs have popped. Indeed, reports have cited Mbeiki wearing a wrinkled shirt in recent meetings, sporting a bump on his head after a collision while peeing in the dark. Messages of sympathy have been sent from around with the African continent, incluing from nearby Zimbabwe. A Zimbabwean punter said:
“We can understand the silence of the South African leader during this difficult time for him personally. I know what it must be like to be unable to iron your shirts in the morning. I have not bought clean underwear for months since hyperinflation meant a pair of socks costs five billion dollars.”
A spokesman for Mbeki said: “President Mbeki is deeply distressed and is simply unable to perform his duties to his full capacity. He wishes he could speak about recent problems in neighbouring Zimbabwe, but he is just useless without a coffee in the morning. Who can confront civil meltdown without some caffeine in the morning?”
Amnesty International however offered a differing opinion: “Has this fucking twat never visited a fucking Woolworths?!”
“We can understand the silence of the South African leader during this difficult time for him personally. I know what it must be like to be unable to iron your shirts in the morning. I have not bought clean underwear for months since hyperinflation meant a pair of socks costs five billion dollars.”
A spokesman for Mbeki said: “President Mbeki is deeply distressed and is simply unable to perform his duties to his full capacity. He wishes he could speak about recent problems in neighbouring Zimbabwe, but he is just useless without a coffee in the morning. Who can confront civil meltdown without some caffeine in the morning?”
Amnesty International however offered a differing opinion: “Has this fucking twat never visited a fucking Woolworths?!”
New award for the Bible
The Bible has narrowly beaten out the Lord of the Rings to be lauded as the greatest fantasy epic of all time, by the Fantasy Fiction Federation. The competition was fierce with noted tomes such as The Hobbit, His Dark Materials and The English Patient in the running. The Bible is not only the world’s most popular fantasy epic, but is also considered to be the most widely read piece of fiction in history.
A source from the Fantasy Fiction Federation commented:
“We don’t think we have settled the debate about what is the greatest fantasy epic of all time at all, we have probably just started some more! I mean who can really say is a cooler character, Gandalf or Jesus? Jesus pulled off some incredible miracles in the book, but would he have been able to have stared down the Balrog, I just don’t know. I know that I do think that Jesus and his apostles would have taken out the Fellowship of the Ring!
“Personally, I consider Sauron to be a better villain than Pontius Pilate or King Herod, but I know these things are completely subjective. We are just delighted to have in some small way given the Bible the special status it deserves.”
A source from the Fantasy Fiction Federation commented:
“We don’t think we have settled the debate about what is the greatest fantasy epic of all time at all, we have probably just started some more! I mean who can really say is a cooler character, Gandalf or Jesus? Jesus pulled off some incredible miracles in the book, but would he have been able to have stared down the Balrog, I just don’t know. I know that I do think that Jesus and his apostles would have taken out the Fellowship of the Ring!
“Personally, I consider Sauron to be a better villain than Pontius Pilate or King Herod, but I know these things are completely subjective. We are just delighted to have in some small way given the Bible the special status it deserves.”
Monday 23 June 2008
Baillie intergalactic gangster Shocker
Jackie Baillie is to be investigated by Jim Dyer, Scottish Parliamentary Standards Commissioiner over suspected gangland dealings. It is rumoured that Baillie, MSP for Dumbarton has frozen an intergalactic spice trader by the name of Han Solo in carbonite over business dealings gone sour. Baillie has long been connected with the ‘Hutts of West Dumbartonshire’ and the latest accusations have come as no surprise to many inside the Scottish Labour fraternity.
An insider commented: “Jackie Baillie is a dangerous character, her connections to this insidious underworld element have long touted. It goes all the way back to her selection as a candidate. Originally, an articulate young advocate was the favourite to be nominated, but after he was visited by some Boba Fett character he hastily pulled out. If she really has frozen some poor so and so in carbonite then this could be the final straw. That’s just not cricket.”
Previous unsubstantiated accusations against Baillie include the accusation that she solicited funds from an Emperor Palaptine for Wendy Alexander’s leadership campaign, breaking rules banning donations from outside the United Kingdom.
Friday 20 June 2008
Beef!
It’s rumoured that Jay – Z and Barack Obama got ‘beef.’
The explosive confrontation was prompted by Barack Obama’s refusal to act as a backing MC on Jay Z’s new album. Obama attempted to heal the rift by asking Jay – Z to provide some rhymes for a speech on the importance of skills in the workforce in a globalized economic climate. Jay – Z apparently refused resulting in tensions being excarbated further. Recently, Obama was overheard claiming that Nas is the big apple’s true rap king, profoundly dissing Jay-Z.
Leading US honky and Republican candidate for President John McCain added: “I don’t care how fly Obama thinks he is, you can’t be stepping to the jay dizzle like that. No number of secret service agents will stop him putting a cap in his ass. Word.”
The explosive confrontation was prompted by Barack Obama’s refusal to act as a backing MC on Jay Z’s new album. Obama attempted to heal the rift by asking Jay – Z to provide some rhymes for a speech on the importance of skills in the workforce in a globalized economic climate. Jay – Z apparently refused resulting in tensions being excarbated further. Recently, Obama was overheard claiming that Nas is the big apple’s true rap king, profoundly dissing Jay-Z.
Leading US honky and Republican candidate for President John McCain added: “I don’t care how fly Obama thinks he is, you can’t be stepping to the jay dizzle like that. No number of secret service agents will stop him putting a cap in his ass. Word.”
A principled stand
Holyrood has been stunned this week by the shock resignation of Labour MSP Frank McAveety. Mr McAveety, representative for Glasgow Rutherglen has promised to fight his seat again on the subject of ‘Scottish liberties.’
Reacting to the SNP’s plans earlier this week to ban the sale of off sales alcohol to under 21’s, Labour MSP Frank McAveety has reacted angrily.In his resignation statement, he said he feared 21 year olds were just the beginning and next could be thirty year olds, fifty year olds…”
“In truth, 21 years is just one - perhaps the most salient example - of the insidious, surreptitious and relentless erosion of fundamental Scottish freedoms. Buying a cheap pack of 24 cans of Tennents and getting leathered before going doon the dancin is a fundamental part of our liberties. It has been this way since the days of the declaration of Arbroath.
"This cannot go on. It must be stopped and for that reason today I feel it is incumbent on me to make a stand," said Mr McAveety.
Scottish Labour Party leader Wendy Alexander was unavailable for comment as she was crusing the internet betting site Betfair. Insiders have said she is: “not that arsed.”
Reacting to the SNP’s plans earlier this week to ban the sale of off sales alcohol to under 21’s, Labour MSP Frank McAveety has reacted angrily.In his resignation statement, he said he feared 21 year olds were just the beginning and next could be thirty year olds, fifty year olds…”
“In truth, 21 years is just one - perhaps the most salient example - of the insidious, surreptitious and relentless erosion of fundamental Scottish freedoms. Buying a cheap pack of 24 cans of Tennents and getting leathered before going doon the dancin is a fundamental part of our liberties. It has been this way since the days of the declaration of Arbroath.
"This cannot go on. It must be stopped and for that reason today I feel it is incumbent on me to make a stand," said Mr McAveety.
Scottish Labour Party leader Wendy Alexander was unavailable for comment as she was crusing the internet betting site Betfair. Insiders have said she is: “not that arsed.”
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